


I don't know why I wrote this

by Not__Misha__Collins



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Monsters, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Human Castiel, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-05-11
Packaged: 2018-03-30 02:25:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3919342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not__Misha__Collins/pseuds/Not__Misha__Collins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything seemed to go wrong for Castiel Novak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The last thing Castiel remembered was going out for drinks with Sam and Dean. And then, he woke up in a strange bed. He sat up and looked around.  
“Fuck,” He mumbled, due to the hangover.  
“Morning, Cas,” Sam said, his voice sounding 1000 times louder than it was.  
“Sam,” Cas said, “What happened?”  
“You passed out on the couch,” He said, “I took you up to my bed. Figured it was better than the couch. Also, it’s darker in here.”  
Cas began to get scared.  
“Don’t worry, nothing happened,” Sam said, “You were passed out by the time we got here.”  
Cas was relieved at that, and also a bit surprised. Surprised that Sam didn’t take advantage of him being passed out.  
Everything seemed to go wrong for Castiel. First, the strange name his birth parents gave him. They seemed nonexistent, either they died or just abandoned him. Then, the families. The people he had to live with.  
He was in the orphanage for his first five years. Perhaps the best years of his childhood. At least he was somewhat shown love.  
The first “family” came along when he was about six. Two parents and three children. He couldn’t remember their names, but he couldn’t forget what they did.  
_19 years ago…_  
“What a stupid name!” The foster mother said, “You’re a freak!”  
It was getting worse. They seemed so nice at first, giving Cas gifts and ice cream and kindness. Three weeks after he was there, they took it all away. All of it. He’s the family freak now.  
Cas’s eyes watered. She slapped him. She’d broken his nose once. It was nothing compared to what the foster “father” did.  
_12 years ago…_  
Cas was thirteen when he got out of that hellhole. And right back into another one. The Job’s, he recalls. The mother, she ignored him. There was no father. Her 16 year old biological son, Danny, had a room across from Cas’s.  
He couldn’t recall when Danny started hurting him. Probably around the time he found the gay porn magazine in Cas’s room, which he’d stolen from a magazine shop when he was with the other family.  
“I know what are Cas,” Danny said.  
“Wha…”  
“I found the magazine,” Danny said, “Shh. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”  
Cas whimpered. Danny covered his mouth.  
“If you move or scream, I’ll kill you,” He threatened.  
Danny kept doing that, sometimes with a knife, sometimes beating the shit out of Cas. Danny taught Cas how much of a freak he really was.  
_8 years ago…_  
Danny finally moved out, and so did Cas. He was only 17, had no money, but he just couldn’t live there anymore.  
_7 years ago…_  
“If you need some place to stay, you can stay here,” Balthazar told him.  
“Really?”  
So Cas had a temporary place to live.  
_4 years ago…_  
Cas had long moved on from living temporarily with Balthazar and his girlfriend, and lived on his own. He met Matt around the same time he met and became friends with Dean.  
His hopes with Matt weren’t high, and he was right. Cas was barely allowed to hang out with Dean.  
“Cas, what happened to your eye?” Dean asked.  
“Oh, I just fell,” He lied.  
Dean nodded, not fully believing him.  
“Anyways, this is my brother,” Dean said, pointing to the golden-haired giant next to him, “Sam. Sam, this is Cas.”  
His smile lightened Cas’s insides.  
“Hi,” Sam said.  
_3 years ago…_  
“If you leave, I swear to god, I’ll kill you,” Matt threatened, a last ditch effort to get Cas to stay.  
“I don’t care,” Cas said honestly.  
“Then I’ll kill that little whore you’ve been fucking around with,” He threatened, “What’s his name? Sam?”  
Castiel stopped dead in his tracks. He might be lying, but Cas wasn’t taking that chance.  
_2 years ago…_  
The roofies were the last straw. One night of drinks with Matt, Dean and Sam. Cas should’ve known something was up when he got drowsy.  
“I’ll take him home,” Matt said.  
When Cas woke up in the morning, he was very sore with a bad headache. He left that afternoon. Left and went to stay with Dean and Lisa for a while.


	2. Chapter 2

_Present…_

Sam raised an eyebrow at Cas’s confused look. Ever since they met, Cas had wanted to be with Sam. A real relationship, but that would never happen. Cas didn’t deserve that, not in his mind.

“Cas, what’s wrong?”

“What makes you think something’s wrong?”

Sam sat on the bed next to Cas, who tensed up.

“You’re crying,” Sam said.

“I like you, Sam,” Cas said, “Ever since I met you, I’ve…liked you.”

Sam took Cas’s hand gently, making Cas’s heart race.

“Me too, Cas,” Sam said.

Cas was terrified, starting a whole new relationship, knowing how it would end. He pressed his lips gently against Sam’s.

“I’ll be right back,” Sam said.

“Where are you going?”

“To get a cloth to put over your eyes,” Sam answered, “And to make some breakfast.”

When Sam returned, Cas took the water and the headache medicine he got and put the cloth over his eyes.

_A week later…_

Sam had just told Dean about dating Cas. Dean, of course, congratulated him, as did Lisa and his step-son Ben.

“Take care of him, Cas,” Dean had said, kindly, yet protectively.

“I will, Dean,” Cas said.

Cas hadn’t the slightest idea of what a healthy relationship was. He fully expected for Sam to start swinging at any given moment. He flinched whenever Sam tried to touch him.

“Cas, what’s wrong with you?” Sam asked.

Cas sighed. **Was this a trick question? Did Sam want an argument?**

“What do you mean?”

“You…flinch when I touch you.”

“I’m fine, Sam.”

**Maybe Sam is okay….No. Don’t get your hopes up, Cas.**

_Two weeks later…_

By this time, Sam hadn’t hit or insulted Cas, and Cas was getting suspicious. Cas lied wrapped in Sam’s arms. He could feel how strong Sam was, just by being gently held. Sam woke up to Cas shaking in his arms.

“Cas?”

Cas looked up at Sam, frightened, then squirmed out of Sam’s arms, covering his head and crying.

“Cas, what’s wrong?” Sam asked.

Cas was remembering everything. Everything that he’d spent his whole life trying to forget. He’d never told anyone, not the full stories. When he finally calmed, down, he told Sam.

“Cas,” Sam said quietly.

Sam held Cas as he sobbed heavily. Sam was about to cry himself. Cas still didn’t fully trust Sam, but for now, he felt safe.

“Cas,” Sam repeated some time later, “Do you want to know something?”

“Sure.”

“A while ago, I had this girlfriend,” Sam said, “Her name was Jess. We had an apartment together…”Sam felt his eyes start to water, “There was a fire. I tried to save her, but she burned. Right in front of me. When I close my eyes, I still see the flames…”

Sam wiped his eyes. His hands were shaking as Cas hugged him.

“That’s horrible,” Cas mumbled, “I’m sorry, Sam.”

_A week later…_

Of course, when Sam asked, Cas had to say yes. At least, he thought he did. Sam ran his hands down through Cas’s hair, down his face, over his chest and to his thighs. Cas removed his shirt, kissing Sam’s neck. Cas moaned when Sam grabbed him, but didn’t say anything.

“Something wrong, Cas?”

“No, not at all,” Cas replied, “Go ahead.”

Sam nodded and continued, pulling off Cas’s pants. Cas took a deep breath, held it, then exhaled. Sam began removing Cas’s underwear, but stopped.

“Okay, something’s wrong,” Sam said.

“Huh?”

“You,” Sam said, “Cas, if you don’t want to do anything, you don’t have to.”

Cas curled up his legs and crossed them.

“I guess that answers that question,” Sam said.

Sam crawled next to Cas, who looked a little nervous, and kissed him on the cheek.

“It’s gonna be a while, Sam,” Cas said.

“That’s fine, Cas,” Sam just rubbed Cas’s back while Cas put on his pants, “But just…say no okay? Tell me when to stop.”

Sam was basically the first to regard Cas’s consent, or even respect his boundaries. Cas kissed Sam on the lips.

“I think I love you, Sam,” Cas said.

“You too.”


	3. Chapter 3

Sam

Cas and I had been dating for two months. We still hadn’t had sex, but that didn’t bother me. With all he’d been through, the shit those bastards did to him, he practically hates even being touched. He’s getting less jumpy when I touch him, wakes me up when I have a nightmare. He tells me I scream and mumble in my sleep.

The first thing I heard after Cas got up in the morning was him vomiting in the bathroom. When I went to check on him, he was frantically trying to clean the vomit off the floor.

“Cas,” I said.

He looked up at me, panicking.

“Oh, Sam,” He said, “I’m sorry.”

“Go lay down,” I said, “I’ll get this.”

He stared at me, eyebrows raised and blue eyes shining, and nodded. I grabbed a mop to clean the floor. Afterwards, I brought Cas a rag and some water.

“Thank you, Sam,” He said, “You know, Matt almost broke my jaw for…vomiting on the bed.”

I touched his head, burning hot.

“I’ll be right back,” I said.

“I’ll be here,” He said, smirking.

I got the thermometer from the bathroom medicine cabinet and brought it back.

“A hundred one,” I said, “I think you have the flu, Cas.”

He groaned unhappily. I brought him a small bucket.

“So you don’t have to get up to puke,” I said, “I’ll clean it out if you do.”

I brought him chicken broth sometime later.

 Cas

It was late that night when Sam crawled into bed with me. I groaned as he wrapped his arms gently around me, as I had a headache. He kissed my head.

“Feel better?”

“Yeah,” I said, “Got a headache, though.”

I pushed Sam’s arms away, as I was getting uncomfortable. I turned to face him. He caressed my cheek.

“Can I tell you a secret?” He asked.

“Sure.”

“I’m asexual,” Sam said, “I…don’t feel sexual attraction.”

“But, last week…”

“I did that for YOU, Cas,” He said, “I wanted to make YOU happy.”

“I’m scared, Sam,” I said.

“That’s normal for all you’ve been through,” He said.

“I like being with you,” I said, “I feel safe.”

He wrapped his arms around me, and I felt protected.

3rd person

It was their first actual fight, when Cas was afraid that Sam would hit him. Not fully afraid, but just a thought he held in the back of his mind when Sam raised his voice.

“I’m sorry, Sam,” Cas said, “I forgot, okay? With all the other bills, I just forgot. I’m sorry.”

Sam took in a deep breath, then breathed out slowly.

“It’s fine, Cas,” He said.

Sam walked toward Cas but stopped when Cas started to hyperventilate.

“Cas?”

Cas cowered to his knees, bringing his hands over his head. Sam ran to him.

“Cas,” He repeated, “What’s wrong?”

It took him a few seconds, but Cas came back to reality. Tears ran down his face. He buried his head in Sam’s chest as Sam hugged him.

“What happened?” Sam asked after Cas had calmed down.

“I remembered things,” He answered, “Things that…I just want to forget.”

“Cas, I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Sam said, “I was stressed out, I couldn’t sleep last night with all the nightmares…”

“Nightmares?” Cas asked, “You mean Jess?”

“Yeah. Enough about me. How long has this been happening?”

“A while,” Cas answered, “When I lived with Dean and Lisa, I’d have nightmares. Dean woke me up, told me I’d been shouting.”

“He never told me,” Sam said.

“I asked him not to tell anyone,” He said, “Lisa and Ben knew as well. They were worried about me, but I told them I’d be fine.”

“I’m sorry, Cas,” Sam repeated.

“It’s okay, Sam,” Cas said.

Sam helped Cas up.

“I’ve had some nightmares too,” Cas said, “About you.”

That hurt Sam a little, but he smiled.

_Three days later…_

Sam and Dean’s friend Crowley likes to call Sam a moose and Dean squirrel. In that regard, Cas got Sam a gift.

Cas let him sleep in that morning. Meanwhile, he’d went and gotten his gift for Sam. Upon returning, he woke up Sam.

“I got you something, Sam,” He said.

Sam took the stuffed moose and flowers, smiling.

“Crowley calls you a moose,” Cas blushed.

Sam hugged him.

“Thank you Cas,” He said, “That’s sweet.”

“No problem,” Cas said, “Besides, I owe you for the chocolate last week.”

Sam set the moose and flowers aside.

“Is that this is about?” He asked, “You don’t owe me.”

No one ever gave Cas a gift out of the goodness of their heart, besides maybe Dean. There was always a reason, an expectation. He gritted his teeth, angry at the tears that fell.

“I lied,” Cas said.

“About what?”

“I’ve been having the nightmares for years,” He answered, “Just, no one really cared before.”

“What else haven’t you told me?” Sam asked.

“That’s it, Sam.”


End file.
